create in me

photo of the day

1-9-11

me. today.

so today i did something i've never done before.  i didn't think i was going to actually do it, but i did.

this morning our associate minister gave an excellent lesson based on the story of Jesus' first miracle, turning water into wine.  he brought a lot of points that i had never thought of before.  but the part that stuck with me the most was what he said at the end when he offered the invitation.  he said something to the affect of ask God to do something new in your life.  maybe he said that, maybe he didn't.  that's what my ears heard.

then daryl lead the song, "my eyes are dry".  that song touches me every time i sing it. here are the words:

     my eyes are dry

my faith is old

my heart is hard

my prayers are cold

and i know how i ought to be

alive to you and dead to me

what can be done

to an old heart like mine

soften it up 

with oil and wine

the oil is you

your spirit of love

please wash me anew 

in the wine of your blood

i couldn't make it through the first verse.  my heart started pounding and my eyes started tearing up.  something (God) was telling me it's time.  "you know your relationship with God is not where it should be or where you want it to be.  you know you've just been going through the motions."

i started to move out into the aisle, but then the chorus ended.  it was too late, i thought.  then daryl started singing a 2nd verse that i had only heard a few times.  (i've looked for the words to this verse online and can't find it!)  my heart started pounding even faster.  then i heard another voice in my head saying, "you can't go forward and ask for prayers!  you're the preacher's wife.  you're supposed to have it all together!"  thank goodness that voice was drowned out by the chorus of this song being sung not once again, but twice!  God was saying, "now, amy. why are you waiting?"

so i did it.  i stepped into the aisle and walked forward.  an elder met me there and sat down with me.  he handed me a blank card to write my request, and the tears just started flowing.  i could hardly see through them to write my thoughts down, but i really believe the Spirit guided my shaky hand.  this is what i wrote:

i want God to create a clean heart in me and restore the joy of my salvation.  

i'm tired of just looking like a christian on the outside.

i want to have a real relationship with Him.

that's it.  just 3 little sentences that have been eating away at my heart for a while now.  God started working on me friday night, actually.  the choir from york college performed a concert at our church.  they sang a version of the song "create in me", which i already loved.  that scripture in psalm 51:10-12 has always been one of my favorites, and the devotional song based on that is one that has stayed in my heart since i first heard it.  

i've also been thinking about a word to focus on this year, and when i heard that song friday night i begin tossing around the word create.  it embodies what i am focusing on this year spiritually, physically and just everyday things.  but today when we started singing "my eyes are dry" it was like God stuck that word create on a super-sticky post-it note and slapped it on my heart and said, "go."

so i went.  one of the elders prayed for me, and i was surrounded by brothers and sisters who put a hand on me while we prayed.  it was so humbling and uplifting all at the same time.  that initial fear that satan tried to put in my heart about being a preacher's wife was no longer there.

so many people hugged me and loved on me and told me that they had the same struggle and were so thankful that i had the courage to say what they were feeling.  i am not in this alone!  i have a family who loves me and cares for me.  it is such an amazing feeling.  i can't describe it.

today i took the first step toward a real relationship with God.  i am on a journey that will only lead to a beautiful ending.  and now i have my word for 2011:  create

quote of the day:  "Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence and do not take your Holy Spirit from me.  Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit." Psalm 51:10-12